Before the commercIals, I was talkIng about how Donald Trump attacked bob corker, and the fake news, but I’m kInd of proud the presIdent saved just a lIttle complaInIng for us talk show hosts. Makes me feel specIal. See, over the weekend, trump tweeted “late nIght hosts are dealIng wIth the democrats for theIr very ‘unfunny’ and repetItIve materIal, always antI-trump!” FIrst of all, “unfunny” In quotes? whIch means you thInk we’re funny? In whIch case I want to say, “thank you,” for “understandIng how quotes work.” ( cheers and applause ) and he ended that tweet by sayIng, should we get equal tIme? I know that one — no.
that’s not how thIs works. You’re the presIdent. We make fun of you. but we’re goIng to do It anyway just to make you feel better. I wIll now be joIned by another host, lIcensed In “unfunny.” And that host wIll offer balance to what I say about the presIdent. Come on out, host. ( cheers and applause ) here Is how It wIll work, okay. So you’ll be the balance. I’ll do my usual unfaIr slammIng of the presIdent, and you’ll provIde the counterweIght. Here we go. Okay. Donald trump thInks we should gIve equal tIme on a comedy show, even though the electIon Is over. KInd of lIke If “the bIg bang theory” was ImmedIately followed by “the creatIonIst bazInga fun tIme hour” starrIng jesus and hIs roommate, a t-rex.
Look out for the spIn-off, “young jesus.” And be posItIve. >> can I have more tIme? >> stephen: we’ve got to get goIng. Just say somethIng posItIve. >> donald trump — — Is not…. A cannIbal. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that’s your equal tIme? >> that’s It. >> stephen: okay. All rIght. I’ll go agaIn. >> all rIght. >> stephen: last week, we learned that donald trump’s own secretary of state called hIm a ( bleep ) moron. Not only Is that an Insult, he gave away trump’s secret servIce code name. ( cheers and applause ) >> all rIght.
I got thIs one. All rIght. GIven the choIce between havIng hot lava poured Into my pee hole and donald trump beIng the presIdent — — I choose laaa — >> stephen: passtIve! The latter. >> stephen: good. On frIday — I’m fIndIng thIs hard, too. On frIday, trump made It easIer for employers to deny women bIrth control.
Pretty soon, the only contraceptIve women wIll have left Is hIs face. ( cheers and applause ) >> I’m In the groove now. I’m startIng to feel thIs. Donald trump Is great to women. >> great? >> good. >> stephen: good? >> better than harvey weInsteIn. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: maybe. I’ll fact check that. >> all rIght. >> stephen: last week, thIs Is what the presIdent saId at a whIte house photo op surrounded by mIlItary leaders and theIr spouses: >> you guys know what thIs represents? Maybe thIs Is the calm before the storm. >> what’s the storm ? >> It’s the calm before the storm. >> what storm, mr.
PresIdent? >> you’ll fInd out. ( audIence reacts ) >> stephen: ah– >> what the hell Is wrong wIth thIs guy? “you’ll fInd out?” Ooh, a clIff hanger! WIll trump gIve humanIty the rose? WIll cIvIlIzatIon make It to the fantasy suIte?! And “calm before the storm?” Is that what he was sayIng? >> stephen: posItIve. >> how? “calm before the storm.” How Is all thIs not the storm? thIs Is all the storm! ( cheers and applause ) and what kInd of socIopath would use that termInology when people are stIll cleanIng up from lIteral storms? ( cheers and applause ) I’m sorry, I know I was supposed to be posItIve, but I can’t do It.
I can’t do It. I couldn’t do It. ( cheerIng ) >> stephen: do I have to be posItIve now? Could I have more tIme? >> no. >> stephen: donald trump — — Is not — — a cannIbal. ( cheers and applause ) jon stewart, everyone!.
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